I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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