I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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