I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
