Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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