taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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