I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
