EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
