She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Randomize
