12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
