I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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