Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
