Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
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We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
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Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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