I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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