I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
