if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
How does one acquire holy water?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
