You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
We named our party play list daddy issues
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
