A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
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