I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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