I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I cut my penus on the lid.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
