I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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