just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
