Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
