Are we in a gay sports bar?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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