god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
where are my pants?
in the oven.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
