You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
