I'd wear matching sweaters with you
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
