I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
