I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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