I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize