A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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