you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
