apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
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You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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