I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
