barbara walters just said penis...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
