I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
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On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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