Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i think my mom watched the whole time
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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