We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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