I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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