Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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