i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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