im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
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I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
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Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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