soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize