if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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