I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
