It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
