My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
