I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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