What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You took a bar mat shot.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
