look no pants
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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