I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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