Have you finally orgasmed yet?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
