So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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