If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
