i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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