so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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