I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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