I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Even my vagina gasped.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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