well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
