I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch