I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.