eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
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Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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