i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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